A Journey of Discernment

Every young Catholic knows that at some point they have to discern their vocation. There comes a point at which you can no longer just think that you’ll get to it later in life because now is just not the right time. And that’s been my experience. For three years I volunteered with NET Ministries and told myself it was not the right time to discern my vocation. I spent so many nights talking to the girls on my teams about how I just wanted to be married already or how I wanted to join a religious order already. But the reality is I did not, and still do not want to go on the journey to get to those points in my life.

After putting it off for so long I decided that now is the time. I can’t just sit around and wait for God to turn up one day and say ‘Rozlyn, I want you to be a religious sister and this is the order for you’ or ‘Rozlyn, I want you to be married. And I want you to marry this very attractive, saintly, young Catholic man!’ He just isn’t going to do that. So instead I need to go on a journey with Him. I need to try and listen to what He is saying to me in prayer, in scripture and through other people. So this morning I decided that I should pray about my vocation.

A vocation is a call from God. A lot of people think it’s about a job or career, but for me it’s so much more. It’s about how I can live my life serving God; living fully the call He has placed on my life. And trying to work out what that call is actually is not hard. I am called to be a saint. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a deep love and admiration for St Therese of Lisieux.

“Then, as I reflected that I was born for great things, and sought the means to attain them, it was made known to me interiorly that my personal glory would never reveal itself before the eyes of men, but would consist in becoming a Saint.” 

St Therese of Lisieux, Story of a Soul

She knew she was called to be a saint. She knew that she was called to be holy. And I believe I am called to be a saint. But how I am meant to live my life, in a practical sense, to live this calling is what I do not know.

You see, for me there’s a big part of me that wants to get married and spend my days trying to get my potential husband and children to heaven. But there’s this other part of me that wants to live my life devoted solely to Christ, living in community with other women who have the same desire. And that’s where I am torn. Both of these things are good. In fact, they’re very good. I know that the deepest desires of my heart - the desire to live my life for God; the desire to be a mother; the desire to teach - will be fulfilled in either vocation.

So this morning I sat down and tried to write down how I feel about the journey to my vocation and what I realised is that I’m scared. I am so scared of making the wrong decision. I am scared of missing an opportunity. I am scared of not serving God how He wants me to serve Him. And at that point I looked to Jesus crucified on the Cross.

Ten years ago, this August, I went to Cologne, Germany for World Youth Day and while I was there I purchased a Crucifix. This Crucifix has hung upon the walls of the places I’ve lived (minus the NET houses I lived in.) It has provided me comfort and hope. It has been the place I’ve looked to and realised my sinful nature. It has been dropped and broken. It has been put back together, just as Jesus’ death on the Cross has put me back together.

The Crucifix I bought almost ten years ago.

And this morning I looked to the Cross and asked Jesus if He was scared. He died on a Cross. His call was to die for me. And for you. I’m on board for laying down my life for Christ, but I would struggle give of myself in that way for people who would persecute and hate me. But Jesus did. He knew He would be crucified. He felt our human emotions, so surely he felt scared, right? I’m scared and I’m trying to choose between two good and holy things. I don’t think of these things as going to Calvary. I think of them as having abundant life - living in the Resurrected Christ.

I think we can become so focused on the end goal we forget the journey. The journey to choosing our vocation isn’t carrying a cross. It’s walking with Christ and probably most of the time we’ll only realise after we’ve walked the journey, that our hearts were burning within us and Christ was with us; teaching us and guiding us the whole time. We just don’t recognise it. Instead, just like the two men on the road to Emmaus, we talk about God and his call, rather than talking to Him and living His call.

Right now, in this part of my journey, I know I am not called to be married. Or a religious sister. I am called to be single, but to go on a journey with Christ, even though I am scared. I am going to live the call to be a saint. There’ll be times when it will feel like I’m on the road to Calvary, and others, the road to Emmaus. The end point is not the day I make vows; the end point is getting to Heaven. And the journey of discernment I take towards vows, whether they are religious or marriage vows, is still about the journey to sainthood.