Well it's only been a couple of months, but the Facebook app is back on my phone. For a couple of weeks I did really well at not going on Facebook, but very quickly I found myself regularly opening the browser on my phone and checking Facebook there. #epicfail
I don't like failing. Or feeling like I have failed. But my addiction to Facebook had me feeling this way. Especially when I was on my phone and getting frustrated with the mobile (but not application) version of Facebook. It was much harder to do anything. I would feel defeated, but often it would remind me of why I was looking at Facebook there, and I would put down my phone. Thus I would feel like I had one in some way. #winning
Another thing that happened is that I started using Instagram a lot more... And Pinterest. I think Pinterest is easier to get lost in for hours than Facebook!
So what did I learn in all this?
I really struggle with self discipline.
If I take something away I try and fill that void.
Moderation is important.
I still spend way too much time watching videos of cats.
What I am taking away from this little experiment is that I actually have the power to choose how I spend my time. It's hard when something feels like it has control, but it doesn't. I have also become aware that when I take something out of my life, whether it is good or bad, I want to fill that gap with something. I tended to fill the Facebook gap with something just as pointless rather than using my time intentionally. I am learning that using Facebook in moderation is healthy - just like eating cake in moderation isn't bad for you! And the last thing I am wrapping up to take home with my fish and chips is that I get a lot of joy from silly memes and watching funny animal videos! #lifelessons
Don't you be Russian away without laughing at this meme!
Lately I've noticed I am very distracted and often find myself on Facebook. The alarming part isn't that I am using Facebook; it's that I often don't know how I got there! I'll be unlocking my phone to check something else and all of a sudden I'll be scrolling through my newsfeed getting distracted. In recent times I have read waaaaaaay too many of the "15 facts you didn't know about..." articles - Can you even call them articles?!
This morning I was trying to pray. I thought it was a good idea to check something on my phone... And before you know it I am reading some random link that I clicked on and I've wasted 15 minutes of my morning.
This isn't the first time this has happened. I'm quite aware of it. But this morning I decided I needed to do something about it... I believe I get my best ideas while I'm showering. And today I pondered what was making me so distracted and the answer came to me: I just check Facebook too much on my phone. So I deleted the app! I got out of the shower, got dressed, picked up my phone and deleted the app! When the "are you sure you want to delete your whole Facebook life" little question reminder popped up I didn't even hesitate! And just like that Facebook was deleted from my phone.
Spot the difference!
Does this mean I won't check Facebook? No. I'm still going to check Facebook! What I am hoping is that I will have more self-discipline, be more intentional about using Facebook and not just wasting time on it, and that I will use all the time I waste on something more productive - or at least is a better use of my time. After one day it has been amazing! What I need to kick next is my addiction to Snapchat!
Every year I make a New Year's resolution. I like to think that I'm not one for making them, but I do! This year I thought I would make it simple: pray everyday, eat healthy and exercise regularly. It doesn't seem that hard... But i am pretty sure I had thrown the baby out with the bath water and completely given up on my resolutions by about 2pm on New Year's Day. Why? Because New Year's Day was just another day; nothing had changed except the date.
I justified eating all the Christmas leftovers and the delicious Nana-tastic treats because come January 1st I would be "good." I would make time for God each day. I would eat healthily, and go back to treats being treats. I would get back into running. I would make choices that were good for me. But that was not the case. I had lunch with some friends on New Year's Day and I travelled interstate. I did not eat healthily and I did not exercise. I can't remember if I made any time for God, but I definitely felt like I failed at some of my New Year's resolution, therefore I failed at the whole thing.
Fast forward two whole months. I spent one whole month away for work in which time I snacked like I have never snacked before! I didn't exercise much because I injured my shoulder and I allowed it to become an excuse. I worked ridiculous hours and put work before sleep, and then sleep before prayer. And I find myself two months into the year and feeling like I missed the point of making a resolution. Making a resolution is about making a decision to do or not do something with firmness or decisiveness. There was nothing firm about the decision I made - I caved after only 14 hours of the 8,760 hours in this year.
Today is Shrove Tuesday. And I feel that tomorrow is another opportunity to make some resolutions. It's like a new year... And how I have approached this past week has been a similar way to my New Year's resolutions, especially today. I ate four Freddo Frogs today. Is this something I would normally do? Nope. But today is all about the feast before the fast. Or at least that's how I justified eating multiple servings more than I normally would... Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday which marks the beginning of Lent.
This year I have planned what I want Lent to look like. I have decided what I will abstain from, how I will fast, what my alms giving will be and if I will take up anything extra. And I have prepared for this to begin tomorrow in the same way I prepared for my New Year's resolution - by going all out and then cutting everything off completely. My history would expect me to fail. But I know I won't and the reason is Jesus.
When I made a resolution two months ago it was about me. When I wake up tomorrow and stay firm in the decisions I've made for Lent it is because they aren't about me - they're about Jesus. If I had to pick between eating chocolate again and eternal life with Christ I know I would be picking option B. How I live for the next 40 days isn't going to end at Easter; it's a continual journey through life. Whilst giving up a sweet food or bad habit that distracts us from God during Lent might be hard, the challenge is worth it. And I say challenge because if it was easy I wouldn't be giving that up. My small sacrifice will be NOTHING compared to Christ's sacrifice on the Cross; just as my joy at Easter will be nothing compared to the joy of eternal life in union with God.
So here's to a new resolution that I won't give up on at 2pm tomorrow!
Cheers! (Because who drinks anything other than water in Lent!)
This morning I was listening to a few of the talks from SEEK 2017. I have heard most of the speakers I was listening to before, but for some reason I kept listening to them today. Had I heard their testimony before? Yes. Had I heard their insights before? In general, yes. But for some reason I knew I needed to keep watching these videos. And I am so glad I did.
Something has been stirring in me for quite some time. I just read a book called Lioness Arising by Lisa Bevere and IT SPOKE TO ME! As I got closer and closer to the end I was waiting for a moment. A moment where I clearly knew what was stirring in me, and what I was being called to do. But I am yet to have such a moment. I know I have been created to do great things in this world, but I do not know what these great things are. I also know 2017 is going to be a year of doing great things. Again I do not know what these great tings are! So I am taking control of life! When an opportunity arises, I take it! And I want to be bold in my choices!
Tonight I did something I wouldn't normally do. I posted about my journey with Weight Watchers.
As a kid I was picked on for being fat. As a teenager I was very self conscious about my size and weight, but I didn't talk about it. As an adult I didn't think I could ever lose weight so I owned my size and tried to be healthy... I wasn't a fan of clothes shopping... I ordered a bridesmaid dress, made to fit, online for a friend's wedding and it arrived a few months later. But it didn't fit. It was too small. Getting a dress with a few weeks before the wedding was a task, but I happened! And in that time I made a choice to do something different. With the support of a close friend I joined Weight Watchers 15 months ago and have lost 23 kilos since. At first I didn't want people to know. I was nervous and still skeptical. But it worked! Everyday I make choices about what to eat and exercising. I eat what I want. I love ice cream and eat it regularly! I have asthma and have never been able to run, but I set a goal and ran 5km for the first time in 2016! I enjoy running now and my body tells me that it wants to exercise! I like that I have accountability and people with me on this journey. I'm so close to my weight loss goal, but it's not about the weight. It's about having more energy, being confident, eating and feeling healthier, sleeping better, trying new things, reducing health risks, and living life to the full! #testimonytime#weightwatchers#weightwatchersaunz#winningatlife#notashamed#fearfullyandwonderfullymade
I felt so convicted to do so. But the moment I went to press the 'post' button something within me changed and I hesitated. Was I doing the right thing? What would other people think of me? And then that little part of me that is all about taking chances and being bold took over and the button was pressed and there was no going back. (Technically I can delete the post, but that's not how I roll. Plus it's taking the easy way out!) And for a moment I was proud that I did something I wouldn't normally do, and I chose for posting this to be a good thing.
Leah Darrow reminded me this morning that I am brave and I am strong and that I was made for more. And with this reminder I realised that I can't just sit around and wait for things to happen to me. I've known this for a while, but I haven't acted out of this place in a long time. I realised that I was created for SO MUCH MORE. I have no idea what the more is. But I am going into 2017 with the attitude that I am made for more. I know the more is going to be great. I know that this more means greater fruitfulness in my life. I know this more want always be easy, but I am ready! And I want whatever comes my way - or whatever I steer into the path of by taking control and taking chances.
Every young Catholic knows that at some point they have to discern their vocation. There comes a point at which you can no longer just think that you’ll get to it later in life because now is just not the right time. And that’s been my experience. For three years I volunteered with NET Ministries and told myself it was not the right time to discern my vocation. I spent so many nights talking to the girls on my teams about how I just wanted to be married already or how I wanted to join a religious order already. But the reality is I did not, and still do not want to go on the journey to get to those points in my life. After putting it off for so long I decided that now is the time. I can’t just sit around and wait for God to turn up one day and say ‘Rozlyn, I want you to be a religious sister and this is the order for you’ or ‘Rozlyn, I want you to be married. And I want you to marry this very attractive, saintly, young Catholic man!’ He just isn’t going to do that. So instead I need to go on a journey with Him. I need to try and listen to what He is saying to me in prayer, in scripture and through other people. So this morning I decided that I should pray about my vocation. A vocation is a call from God. A lot of people think it’s about a job or career, but for me it’s so much more. It’s about how I can live my life serving God; living fully the call He has placed on my life. And trying to work out what that call is actually is not hard. I am called to be a saint. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a deep love and admiration for St Therese of Lisieux.
“Then, as I reflected that I was born for great things, and sought the means to attain them, it was made known to me interiorly that my personal glory would never reveal itself before the eyes of men, but would consist in becoming a Saint.”
St Therese of Lisieux, Story of a Soul
She knew she was called to be a saint. She knew that she was called to be holy. And I believe I am called to be a saint. But how I am meant to live my life, in a practical sense, to live this calling is what I do not know. You see, for me there’s a big part of me that wants to get married and spend my days trying to get my potential husband and children to heaven. But there’s this other part of me that wants to live my life devoted solely to Christ, living in community with other women who have the same desire. And that’s where I am torn. Both of these things are good. In fact, they’re very good. I know that the deepest desires of my heart - the desire to live my life for God; the desire to be a mother; the desire to teach - will be fulfilled in either vocation. So this morning I sat down and tried to write down how I feel about the journey to my vocation and what I realised is that I’m scared. I am so scared of making the wrong decision. I am scared of missing an opportunity. I am scared of not serving God how He wants me to serve Him. And at that point I looked to Jesus crucified on the Cross.
Ten years ago, this August, I went to Cologne, Germany for World Youth Day and while I was there I purchased a Crucifix. This Crucifix has hung upon the walls of the places I’ve lived (minus the NET houses I lived in.) It has provided me comfort and hope. It has been the place I’ve looked to and realised my sinful nature. It has been dropped and broken. It has been put back together, just as Jesus’ death on the Cross has put me back together.
The Crucifix I bought almost ten years ago.
And this morning I looked to the Cross and asked Jesus if He was scared. He died on a Cross. His call was to die for me. And for you. I’m on board for laying down my life for Christ, but I would struggle give of myself in that way for people who would persecute and hate me. But Jesus did. He knew He would be crucified. He felt our human emotions, so surely he felt scared, right? I’m scared and I’m trying to choose between two good and holy things. I don’t think of these things as going to Calvary. I think of them as having abundant life - living in the Resurrected Christ. I think we can become so focused on the end goal we forget the journey. The journey to choosing our vocation isn’t carrying a cross. It’s walking with Christ and probably most of the time we’ll only realise after we’ve walked the journey, that our hearts were burning within us and Christ was with us; teaching us and guiding us the whole time. We just don’t recognise it. Instead, just like the two men on the road to Emmaus, we talk about God and his call, rather than talking to Him and living His call. Right now, in this part of my journey, I know I am not called to be married. Or a religious sister. I am called to be single, but to go on a journey with Christ, even though I am scared. I am going to live the call to be a saint. There’ll be times when it will feel like I’m on the road to Calvary, and others, the road to Emmaus. The end point is not the day I make vows; the end point is getting to Heaven. And the journey of discernment I take towards vows, whether they are religious or marriage vows, is still about the journey to sainthood.
